i’m trying to make sense of the moments i dive into whenever you’re a few feet away. it’s like realizing again, for the first time, that i’d unhesitantly find a way to spin the world against my fingers, if it meant showing you i cared. and i did. i do. what else would it mean for me to categorize the color of your eyes with the word “happy” instead of an actual shade? what else would it mean for me to find bone-softening comfort in the syllables of your name? i’d give up so much for you. fuck, i’d even give up the things that make me who i am, the little things i’d much rather hold on to for as long as i possibly can. and now, i’m attempting to figure out what the hitch in my pulse or the quiver in my fingers possibly mean. and i don’t love you. i don’t even like you. i’m just so, so lost into you.

002 // aed (via iamunheardd)

this is because until now, I haven’t answered any of my math homework. feelings. you. and because I keep asking myself on why it keeps me distracted on the things I need to do. i can’t tell on how heavy it is right now. the weight. the confusion. everything. and it’s indescribable. all heavy and tiny pebbles. inside my chest, hitting my walls and breaking them slowly. and I’m so afraid of what it might do to me. because these were the same walls that hurts you. the reason I hurt you.

many times, I know that. i know you tried knocking them down. i know you tried to get inside. in your own secret little way that I never felt when you’re already doing it. because I’m so numb. ice-cold as what they call me. my own barrier saying “you can’t” and because I let them. and fuck, I thought I did the right thing, but now, I don’t know.

because you see, our feelings move like a fucking ferris wheel. and now, it’s my turn to be high up in the air. stuck for a time I’m not really sure on how long it’s going to last. or how long will it end. and you. lucky you. already touching the ground because you’ve had enough of what you felt and decided to go on and be with the other rides. one that will carry you. one that surely want to be with you. while I’m here, on my own. gasping, sweating, pulse palpitating, heartbeat racing and everything’s a blur from up here.

and i’m dying to know, if somehow, there’s still something left. even just a little. in order for me to know if being dizzy all along is something that i’ll never regret.

Beating Heart

Eyes make their peace in difficulties
With wounded lips and salted cheeks
And finally we step to leave
To the departure lounge of disbelief

And I don’t know where I’m going
But I know it’s gonna be a long time
And I’ll be leaving in the morning
Come the white wine bitter sunlight

Wanna hear your beating heart tonight
Before the bleeding sun comes alive
I want to make the best of what is left, hold tight
And hear my beating heart one last time
Before daylight

In the canyon underneath the trees
Behind the dark sky, you looked at me
I fell for you like autumn leaves 
Never faded, evergreen

And I don’t know where I’m going
But I know it’s gonna be a long time
'Cause I'll be leaving in the morning
Come the white wine bitter sunlight

Wanna hear your beating heart tonight
Before the bleeding sun comes alive
I want to make the best of what is left, hold tight
And hear my beating heart one last time

I can’t face this now everything has changed
I just wanna be by your side, here’s hoping we collide
Here’s hoping we collide
Here’s hoping we collide

Wanna hear your beating heart tonight
Before the bleeding sun comes alive
I want to make the best of what is left, hold tight
And hear my beating heart one last time
Wanna hear your beating heart tonight
I was dying to
hear
someone say
That I didn’t need
to try so hard to be perfect,
That I was enough
and
it was okay.
and i wish i could just say it,
right now. right now.
that for tonight it’s about
falling so fucking in love,
the sunlight won’t taste
the same when i wake.

aed (via iamunheardd)

I’m waiting for something.

I’ve woken up too many times worked up, exhaling, thinking and plotting us two and maybes. Maybe I want you. Maybe I miss you. Maybe I want to close the gap.

Beto (via perfectionisodd)

I’m between tangled strings and unseen lines whenever fragments of the boy who never told me he loves me seem to overlap like vines intermingling with voices as the memory forms inside my head. It dusts every neuron at night, and plant vague colors at each hemisphere of my brain everyday, that I’m so used of waking up unsure and frazzled, carrying a gloom inside my ribcage that swirls like a whirlpool ready to drown me anytime, while around me feels like a huge thick fog; too eager to cover me in.

I’m between “I think I like him” and “I’m entirely sure I’m not” everytime I pluck selective strings made of my memories about his almost dark brown eyes. It’s the same in-between thought of whether to decide of what are the right choice of words to say, when two choices of sure and unknown statements pops into my brain.

I also hope of fixing broken things, at the same time letting them stay the same. Scattered. Unfixed. And distant from one another. Waking up and sleeping with it for this past week, weighs me down with the normalcy that lies inside my ribcage, whispering sighs that takes me somewhere, where black and white, dark and light agreed to be the burden that bothers me out of my existence.

Because I’m tied up and set free that I can’t make out any rational choice of what is the thing I really need, or what I want, and what I really don’t.

i’m so confused