i just don’t feel any of myself right now but still, i know it’s here A.G
i. I told my mother not to put any mirror inside my room, and with this, it made her frown, asking me “why?”, and all i did was smile flatly when i uttered the words “i don’t like them mom”, which made her look at me like a kid hiding a stolen cookie behind her back. I thought that conversation was finally over but after two weeks, i woke up with that thing standing beside my bed, facing the other side of the wall. I want to break it, but i don’t want any questions, so i hid it inside my closet with it’s back facing my closet door. I didn’t receive any questions and and i didn’t see any of my reflection. I feel great.
ii. This july, i’m too confused. About things. No one ever knew about this except my mind, my scratch of papers, and my old pen. I just feel of not sharing any of this. With anybody at all. But still i know i should. I drink 2 cups of black coffee every night because it’s july. And i don’t even know what’s the point of doing this. But around 7, i still ended up getting sleepy and by 9 o’clock, I’m already dreaming. And on mornings, i always overslept. Now i’m starting to doubt if drinking coffee really keeps you from being awake, because i feel that it’s a trick on disguise by pulling you away in a slower and deeper manner.
iii. I’m starting to drift away from everything i used to know, from everything i used to do and from everything i used to be. I’m starting to be different and i still don’t know if it’s a good or bad kind of different. I feel of having barricades from the people i used to know so well, that they too, are becoming different. And i’m still finding my way to properly put my fingers onto it. Because it seems we’re growing apart, away, away, without me and them really knowing it. And i ask myself, how could that be even possible.
iv. I’m wearing masks with different styles, and it depends with who i’m with. I’m being unstable. And i feel of becoming a faux. I feel of being deceive by some but mostly, i am the one who deceives them more. Maybe because i’m afraid of getting hurt that it’s better to be cautious. I don’t plan of hurting anyone, and that’s the reason i wear those masks.
v. My self-esteem is really low. My confidence, DEAD. And i’m still wondering if someone out there feels the same way as i do, because the idea of being alone with this kind of situation sucks. I sort of have an inferiority complex. I learned this one with the lady who’s about 11 years older than me. She told me the signs while i keep my mouth shut. She also told me that when she’s about my age, she also experiences it. Of feeling less, low and under. I’m not alone when she told me this, but i am now. Again.
vi. “You can do it” as she pats my back with a reassuring smile spreading widely across her face. Whoa. I thought of beautiful. “You can do it” and again, her words echo. I’m not really sure of what she really means. But maybe. Maybe I can do it.